The Great, Big Catch Up

Ok so it won't be that big... mainly because I can't remember 1/2 of what I've done from February to the end of July. I need my schedule book to do that and it's out with Mario, while he trims without me. That in itself is just a really hard thing for me to wrap my mind around, still...

I will start the blog with a happy event... but unfortunately most of the last few months have been filled with painful events and changes. I do remember that I went to the American Hoof Association annual conference in March. That was my 3rd time going, hard to believe how the time flies. It feels like I was just the other day sitting on my couch eating Chinese food and drinking wine when the email came in that I had been unanimously accepted to the organization. This year's conference was super fun. It was held at the same place as last year, Auburn University veterinary school in Alabama. I flew into Atlanta and met up with my cabin sharing group - Leslie and Asa from last year, and 2 new additions - my friend Jennifer (not yet an AHA member, but the conference was opened to prospective members this year) and Debbie who works for Easy Care, the company that I buy most of my booting products from.

We had a large cabin this year, and I squealed like a little kid going through the rooms and checking it all out, including our big deck overlooking the lake. The conference itself was filled with fascinating talks by vets and trimmers, covering everything from laminitis to equine nutrition. We spent time in the school's anatomy lab again, had a field trimming day (in which there was unreal torrential rain -- luckily we had access to a covered arena) and spent quality time eating and drinking in the cabins every night with friends. I made a bunch of new friends this year, including a farrier from Canada who kept me absolutely in stitches for an entire night. I probably have 100s of new laugh lines from hanging out with her, but it was worth it!

Shortly after the conference, in early May, my friend Leticia passed away. It's never easy to lose someone you love, but a young friend with a family.. and someone who is such a bright light in the world... it just seems impossible. When she was getting worse, and on some level I accepted that she was no longer winning her battle, I would talk to our mutual friend Stephanie and we would repeatedly say that it just felt impossible. Just desperate and helpless and impossible, that this was actually happening. Her children carried her casket in the funeral, which was read in both English and Spanish. They seemed amazingly strong to me, standing beside their father, Leticia's husband Alex. He carried himself gravely but with inner resolve that must have been what got him through the last couple of years... I couldn't stop crying. It was incredibly touching to see how many friends and family came to the events, many friends who I had not seen in years.

That smile could light up a room... and she was never not smiling!

I first met Leticia around 1999, when she applied for a position in my department at Kinko's corporate office. In my earliest memories of her I remember being impressed by her tenacity, gumption, humor, and spark. Since then she just reinforced it. She was an unwavering shoulder to lean on when you had troubles, she gave excellent advice, she was a fun and loyal friend and she never, ever turned down a party. She really was an incredible person, and I still find it .. yes...impossible that she is gone. . . Her husband and kids are in Hawaii right now, on vacation. I know in my heart that she is there with them in spirit. I can clearly picture her smiling, holding a fruity cocktail with her long painted nails, enjoying life the way she did so well...

I have struggled with how to write this next part and it's a large part of the reason I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to tell. But I think there's no way but to dive in, and share. In May, after 11 years of on and off trying to conceive 'naturally' and months of different tests, with the big four oh looming... Mario and I decided to try a little more aggressive approach, with a new fertility doctor and a round of IUI (intra-uterine insemination). The tests had shown that I had some issues, mainly a blocked tube and some cysts. The fertility specialist we were seeing strongly suspected that I had endometriosis, but thought it was worth a try with both oral and injectible drugs and a trigger shot... to try the IUI and see if we couldn't get lucky. If that didn't work, he was agreeable to a 2nd try with the IUI, otherwise felt I should go in for exploratory surgery and see if we could not at least open the tube. The tests showed that I had excellent egg quality and hormones for my age and I responded exceptionally well to the drugs. (Mario had to give me the shots in my stomach - he did an excellent job :). We did the actual insemination around Memorial Day weekend, and I was feeling extremely optimistic. The timing, quality, hormones, follicles, etc. all were perfect.

On the Sunday before Memorial Day I got extremely sick. I thought I had a horrible stomach flu, but when it continued into the next day and I got a fever, I finally called the doctor. He informed me that I had what is called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. It can vary from mild bloating to intense pain and hospitalization. Basically I was filled with fluid from the leaking cysts and follicles and this caused intense irritation of the peritoneal cavity -- peritonitis. For about a week I was in great pain, extremely bloated, verying GI issues, unable to eat, exhausted and with fevers up to 103. To add insult to injury, I was not pregnant. I was put on antibiotics and eventually brought in for blood work and another ultrasound. We had to take the bouncy truck (torture!) because my car had gone into the shop. The blood work showed I was anemic, with elevated white blood cells and liver values. I was told my cysts were the size of tennis balls. The doctor put me on Flagyl, in addition to the other antibiotic. Flagyl is an evil horrible drug in my opinion! I was unable to stomach anything more than maybe a yogurt a day, and I got thrush in my mouth from it. The doctor still felt I had OHSS and peritonitis, but thought perhaps I had other issues going on as well such as appendicitis or diverticulosis.

In the middle of the mess Mario and I were supposed to go to see Alison and Jeremy in Milwaukee for their Stock the Bar party. They had generously given us ticket vouchers so our travel was free! It was going to be a little vacation away, much welcome and looked forward to. But obviously there was no way I could go under the circumstances, and we had to cancel. At the time I thought for certain I was going to be better in a week (having never been really sick for more than 3 days in my entire life!) and I tried to book a ticket to VA so I could be there for Alison's wedding shower. As that week passed it became obvious this was a more serious situation and I of course didn't get to attend that either.

During all of it, Mario had to step in as the full time trimmer and business manager, pet caretaker, shopper, shipper, cleaning man and most especially, my nurse. If not for him, I just cannot imagine what would have happened. He saved my business, and probably my life. He definitely saved my sanity!

FINALLY things began to improve after several weeks of sickness - I finished the Flagyl and the fertility doctor referred me to Kaiser ... my new insurance, for my next steps. The new doctor was fairly horrified at what had transpired, and said he would have hospitalized me for the OHSS alone. He had me start on iron immediately for the anemia, ordered new blood work, and had me go in for a CT scan to rule out appendicitis. The CT scan showed the cysts were now the size of apricots, no evidence of other issues. The doctor said it was still possible I had appendicitis and had healed from it prior to the scan! We agreed to proceed with laproscopic surgery, which was scheduled for the 19th of July. I had about 2 week time to try to raise my hgb (improve my anemia) and just start to feel a little more normal again.

Right before all of this happened, my mom had moved out. She moved back into her old boyfriend's place (now just a friend) in Ventura, with her elderly dog, her best friend - Willy. Willy had a downturn of his health, and he ended up passing away. My heart just broke for my mom. Willy was her constant companion through all of her life's trials and tribulations over the last 16 years. That dog was an incredible and faithful friend to her, and it is hard to imagine her, without him. She was understandably emotionally unable to take his body to the vet's to be cremated, so I took them, and I picked up his little box of ashes and delivered them to her after. They were my first visits out and driving on my own basically since I got sick. It was so sad...even though he lived such a great long life, he will be so missed. My mom is a mess without him ... she's depressed and just seems kind of adrift. As always, I pray for her peace and happiness.

Mom and Willy a couple of years ago

The night before the surgery, I was visiting my horses - knowing it would be at least a couple of weeks before I could see them again ... and that I had only gotten to see them maybe 3 times in 2 months, I wanted to really get some quiet bonding time. Still weak and anemic, I still wasn't trimming but was well enough to start going with Mario on short trim trips to talk to clients and hold the horses for him. On that night I had the brilliant idea to just slide onto Jordan's back ... just sit on him, give him a hug and slide off, was the plan. We would not leave the paddock. Mario was there holding him by the fly mask. What could go wrong? Of course, something did go wrong. For whatever ungodly unknown reason, Jordan spooked and got away from Mario. With no saddle or bridle and shitty balance from being sick and not having ridden in almost 3 months, I fell off of him backwards and landed with a hard whack onto the packed DG and sand. I landed on my right hip/butt cheek and wrist, flipped onto my belly immediately and started coughing and gasping as the wind had been knocked out of me. Mario was *horrified* and so mad at himself for allowing me to get on at all. It had seemed innocent enough, he didn't want to deny me that little wish at the time, but in retrospect it was incredibly stupid on my part.

So, I went into the surgery center the next day with a huge painful hematoma on my ass, limping into the hospital with several strikes against me already. I cannot express how much I wanted to go back in time and NOT get on that horse!! The surgery itself was planned as exploratory. Three different doctors thought the cyts were endometriomas, and thought perhaps I had adhesions of endometriosis as well. I was prepared by the doctor that my left ovary and tube were probably not going to be salvagable. Beyond that what would happen was open to see what was going on internally... our thoughts were that I could salvage the right side perhaps, and still have a chance at getting pregnant either totally naturally or doing more IUIs (but unmedicated, which is what caused the OHSS).

However it was not to be. To the doctor's surprise, I had no endometriosis. Instead I had severely infected and blocked tubes on both sides, plus the large cysts. They all had to be removed. I still have my ovaries and uterus, but the middle - the connection - is gone. And with it, my fertility. Mario and I had always agreed that IVF is not for us. We don't have the financial means for it (at 10k+ per try), and I don't think I personally have the emotional fortitude. Not to mention that being 'stimmed for IVF is absolutely out of the question due to the OHSS. So for all effects and purposes, I am at absolute infertility. Saying it, typing it out - it's an attempt to make it real. I will fully admit the real, assimilated meaning of this is not in my grasp at this time... it's going to take some healing and soul searching, some good ole therapy of all kinds ... including literal, wine, equine...to come to. For now my focus has to be on healing physically.

The first week after the surgery was brutal. The gas they use to inflate your abdomen stays in your body... not settling into your organs, just kind of in the rest of the space, causing stabbing pain with every breath. It was worse than the pain in my gut from the surgery itself. I had to sleep sitting propped up in a chair for the first 4 days, because laying down at all is absolute torture. It seems to make the gasses sit around your collarbone area and it feels like you are being stabbed. No thanks.

The very first day after surgery, Dylan died. The night of the surgery he had thrown up and seemed unsettled, and the morning of the first day he was panting, drinking a lot of water, and quickly losing coordination. Mario took him to the vet before they even opened, and made that horrible phone call to me just shortly after 9am. He was gone... I never even got to say good-bye to him, as Mario led/carried him from the backyard to the car rather than go through the house... where I was stuck in my sitting position on the chair. Not to mention I never imagined he would not be coming home. The vet felt his systems were just shutting down, and essentially said he was just dying of old age. He was 11. Poor Mario had to handle the arrangements for his cremation before coming back home to care for me. I had to make a herculean effort to squash my emotions - I felt like I literally shoved them back down a hole, and slammed the door shut on them. Because I could only take short shallow breaths, and the act of crying immediately made me feel like I was having a severe panic attack. I doubled over half gasping, half choking, and pushed it all back down. I was unable to grieve his loss and it felt like an unexpected and cruel kick while I was down.

Rest in peace, sweet Dylan...

The next day I got a fever - it didn't even reach 101, but the doctor was adamant that if I got a fever at all, I would need to come in to the office. Mario rushed home from trimming that day, and we barely made it to the office before they closed. If I had missed them, I was supposed to go to the E.R. Again - no thanks! Luckily I made it, and I got a really painful antibiotic shot on my left butt cheek. No, they could not do the right one due to the hematoma. So now I had no comfortable place to sit/sleep at all!

Still, far worse has happened to people - and I survived of course. It's been almost 2 weeks since the surgery and I am doing ok now. I am able to walk upright, eat pretty normal foods, and have stopped taking the pain meds except for Advil. I'm still on antibiotics twice a day and have not actually ventured out of the house yet. It's ridiculously frustrating to me how weak I am. Walking across the house or taking a shower leaves me shaking with muscle fatigue. There are no words to describe the flatness of my butt. I have NO muscle anywhere. How can this all go south after only a few months away from the real world? It's humbling, for certain. :(

But also humbling has been the support and love from my family, friends and clients. I have received countless cards from everyone, it seems. Flowers from my client Darlene. A care package from Alison. A handmade necklace from Kim. A years supply of juice from my mom. A care package from Elaine. A funny call from Lois. Each day brings some special little something, a kindness from someone that lifts me up! I am so grateful, and so blessed in that way!

I am hoping that now that I've got this lovely update out of the way - the words are out there now...! that I can carry on with more frequent updates again. The Bressani family are coming to visit us next week, we are so excited about that. And in a few more short weeks, we will be traveling east for Alison and Jeremy's big wedding celebration. We are looking forward to both!