Upsy Daisy

opportunistic thriving flowers and weeds in our backyard

I don't have a great reason for that title, other than as I sat here about to enter my first blog in a few months ... it just popped in my head.  And I thought - I like that.  So for whatever reason, I am sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere... there is my title.

And here is another big ole catch up blog post.  It's Labor Day, and I have a few hours to myself.  I realized how far away from each event I was getting and I was worried that I would both forget the feelings behind the event and just become more overwhelmed by the prospect of catching up that I had really better just sit my ass down and do it!

So - first, the Olympic horse and my SD client.  I was within a week of going to London - even had my flight booked (that ticket email will probably be saved forever).  I was going to be going on my own, no Mario, and I was freaking out.  I even said "this just doesn't happen" - meaning, a lowly lil trimmer going to London to trim THE U.S. hopeful horse for the Olympics.  Sadly - my words came true, and it *didn't* happen.  I found out on the 4th of July that the gig was up for me, the team farrier was called in by the team vet to have the horse shod.  Interestingly, although I was disappointed, I wasn't devastated.  I knew that we had done the best we knew how for him, and the owner of the horse sent a super nice email thanking us for everything we did do and even said she felt he would not be going at all if not for the work we had done prior with him.  Mario and I got up at 3, 5 and 6am to watch them ride in the 3 different tests, snuggled together with the pugs in our bed around his borrowed iPad with live streaming.  I cried during each one.  They were the highest placed U.S. pair and even though there were uncharacteristic bobbles, especially the last ride, they were still a site to behold... relaxation, fluidity, partnership.  It was what dressage is supposed to be, to me, and I still pinch myself that we were involved at all, in any way.

The King, regarding me.  :)

Our time with R, the horse, is not over however!   He has been retired to norCal to his owner's beautiful facility, and we were asked to continue to trim him.  We have already been flown up there once (we also took over the owner's other horses) and I got completely emotional when I first saw him standing there in the cross ties, giving me that same regal, noble and king-like look.  He is completely barefoot now, and there is a small bet made with S (my SD client whose husband rode the horse) and the team vet and farrier -- that this horse will be totally sound in a year's time -- and totally barefoot.  :) 

the amazing view from atop Two Trees above Ventura, looking out over the Channel Islands

In the end of June Mario and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  We had a few days off and called it a staycation, where we got together with friends for dinners and drinks, went out to dinner ourselves, saw some live music, etc.  We even hiked up to 2 Trees in Ventura, something we have talked about doing since 1994 when we moved here!   It was a super steep, physically demanding hike, and neither of us were really fit enough for it!  But the weather was perfect (!) and once up there... wow... such a gorgeous view!   So worth it, and we were so glad that we did it.  We also went to Santa Barbara with the pugs and walked around our actual wedding site and along the promenade and beach.  It's been years since we have done that, and it was so cooool to be there again and we did a lot of reminiscing.  :)


Fertility wise... what to say about that?  I have had some emotional struggles with it, I can't lie.  I had a particularly bad couple of weeks not too long ago... my cousin Alison had her baby boy, my friend/fellow trimmer Miranda had her baby girl, and my other cousin Rebecca announced that she is pregnant with her 2nd.  I felt like everywhere I looked, everywhere I went, everything I SAW -- was about mother's, babies, pregnancy, fertility... but I felt like the underlying theme was "...but not for you". 

I still have not gone back to Dr. Sunshine for the WTF.  Although he said he would go whenever I want, Mario has been against it.  He feels like it will just be a punishment to hear the dr. say what we already know... that the odds are greatly against me with my age and medical situation, that IVF is the only option but that it is very expensive and basically financially impossible at this point, etc., but yeah... you can keep trying as much as you want to and can handle it.  And I can't help but think about my history -- first time of trying when I was 28, I found out I had cervical cancer and had to have a cone surgery and a very painful LEEP.  Then all the time of ovulation predictor kits, hopeful pee sticks, herbal supplements, disappointment of trying on our own...  Then when I tried for more medical intervention and an IUI I got a horrible infection and extremely sick, in fact should have been hospitalized according to my Kaiser doctors after the fact.  Then the surgery, tubes had to be removed, making IVF my only option - and something I said I would never, ever do!  Then a surprisingly poor response to meds and a disappointing and expensive first IVF attempt.  Then the heartbreak of a miscarriage for the 2nd IVF attempt, with an unusually prolonged and emotionally exhausting delay in HCG numbers returning to normal, with painful and invasive procedures to end it.  It kind of just feels like I've come up against some major "no" walls with it all.  Kinda like someone is trying to tell me something!   And with the flow of life in other ways seeming to stear me away from considering it further... I think I am officially learning to accept that this is my hand this time around. 

But check back in a couple more weeks, I might tell you I feel different.  I think this is how this process goes... for certain not linear in any one direction for very long.

Baby Connor Gilmour Zuleger ~ welcome to the world!

And I am so HAPPY for my friends and cousins!!   Alison and Jeremy's baby boy Connor was born a bit early but is sooo cute and we are so excited to meet him and get to see the new Zoo crew as a family!  They also bought a house and had an anniversary - they are busy!  ;)

Rebecca and Richard had a scare with regards to the health of their baby (which, I am calling it now, is a girl) ~ but it turns out she is indeed healthy and just working on keeping her parents on their toes already. 

My friend Miranda's little girl is precious and as expected she is finding it nearly impossible to do anything but stare at her and dote on her.  Her middle name is Raven, after her beloved horse that passed away similar to how I lost my mare Hope.  If I had a girl, her middle name was going to be Hope.  So...sigh... it is fitting to me that she chose the same route with her little baby. 

I (re)joined Weight Watchers.  At my recent heaviest, I was about 15 lbs heavier than my previous heaviest weight.  Yikes!!!  It was sooooo time for a change.  We both felt like we had been doing some major emotional eating over the last year or so, and it seemed like no matter how determined I was... I never really made that big internal change that has to take place for me to go on a diet and mean it.  Being around my new, very fit clients, was really motivating for us, and then I was talking to Mario about WW and he was like - why don't you just do that??  You can load it on your phone and do it while working, etc.  For some reason, that thing that had to click for me - did.  I wish I knew what the eff it was, so I could always be in touch with it.  HA!  But the next morning I downloaded the program to the iPhone, re-joined the site and paid my first month's dues, and headed out to the grocery store for some healthier choices in food!   So far (2 weeks!!!)  I have lost 8 lbs!   The first week was 6lbs, totally unprecidented for me (I am typically a very slow gainer/loser).  I have eaten WAY healthier in the last couple of weeks, with tons of fresh veggies and fruit, far less cheese and bread, nothing fried, lots of water and homeade green iced tea with organic mint.  I am really, really, really looking forward to the continued weight loss and increased health.  I know being lighter will be much easier on my back for work, too.  When we have a bit more money, I plan to start doing pilates classes.  It will help my core for both work and riding, as well as overall fitness.

Faith and Jordan trotting through the sunbeams in one of the turnout areas at the new barn

We moved the horses to a new barn on August 1st.  I have been ready for a change in my own horse world for awhile, and the time had come to make the change.  The old barn was good for where we were at the time mentally and what the horses needed physically.  But now I wanted a place where I could get back to dressage lessons, and an environment that was open to both what I do (dressage) and what Mario does (more western/trail/mosey ;)).  We found Canada Larga, and it fit the bill.  Only about 5 minutes further away, but with a nice dressage trainer, 2 covered arenas - a luxury totally new to me!!! - and thousands of acres of trails.  It also provides grass hay and feeds lunch, which were 2 things I didn't have at the old barn (I had to buy my own hay so they could have grass).  The drive back is 4 miles of gorgeous big rolling hills dotted with cows.  Since moving there we've seen cows, deer (rare for our area), tarantulas, sheep, wild pigs, hawks and bats.  There is also a free ranging herd of goats that is just adorable!!  The lead wears a bell and I love hearing the tinkling as she moves along through the brush, the little mommas and babies and bachelors bobbing along behind her.

Goaty road block at the cattle guard gate.  The white one in the front with the horns is the one that wears the bell.

The horses were nutso when we moved them.  It was stressful for me to hear Faith and Jordan screaming at each other in a total panic if they perceived some kind of separation, Jordan charging his other neighbor aggressively to "protect" Faith from the other side of the fence, Faith freaking out when the cows moved around on the hills, etc.  Each time I took one out, the other one carried on ... Jordan screams incessantly, and Faith would pace frantically.  I couldn't decide which was worse!!  But, each day it got a bit better and I just tried the best I could to not let it get to me too much.  I started riding Jordan and he was super spooky in the new arena...but each time in there I feel like we make a teeny bit more progress, maybe 1% sometimes - but progress is progress as Mario always says!  Now I throw Faith some hay before I take Jordan out and she seems to be doing well.  Jordan still screams while Faith is gone but it is more like every 5-10 minutes rather than every 2 minutes. 

One of the beautiful male peacocks at the new barn

I have been riding 3-4 times a week for the last few weeks, which has been awesome!!  I will start riding Faith next... right now, each day feels like a new milestone.  I hope to start taking lessons this month.  I don't have any plans to show, I just want to develop the relationship with my horses and get us all fit again.    We don't currently have any clients at this new barn, and have turned down a couple already... it is pretty nice to NOT have any there and have it just be a sanctuary.  The nights have been so beautiful there... warm moonrises over the mountains... we have brought wine and sat in the chairs watching the horses eat and just feel ourselves unwind.  There are peacocks there, too!  This weekend Lou, the barn manager, brought out farmer's market fresh carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers and olives sprinkled with sea salt and shared them with us over wine and conversation.  I soooo missed that social aspect of a barn!  

Mario and Nala the day we brought her home!

I love it there, and now it is even better because we brought Nala home on Saturday!  She is a really special horse, she handles everything with such cool... and my horses love her already too.  It was funny, her first night there a woman from 2 hours away visiting the ranch recognized her from her old barn and was saying that she had photos on her phone of Nala as her screen saver!    Everyone who meets her loves her.  I am now trying to put the Sossity touch on her with improved diet -- I would like her to gain some weight and shine, and grow out some itchy allergy spots, etc.  Mario loves just being with her, the other day he exclaimed that now he realizes how so many hours at the barn can go by so quickly... and how happy she makes him by just being around her.   Yeah, that's a good horse!! 

Nala stretching her legs and catching some air