Update... had procedure

The office called at 9 this morning and said I could go in at 10. We had already re-arranged our schedule so we went right in. Dr. Sunshine did an ultrasound and confirmed my lining was thick, and he also found 2 roughly 1" cysts thanks to the hormones. The procedure was a modified endometrial biopsy, where they insert a catheter and then use a "pipette" to scrape and irritate the lining. I had taken 4 Advil ahead of time, but that would be like taking it before you had someone take a knife and cut you up a little bit. WTF!! I cried and squashed Mario's hand (specifically I think his thumb) through the whole - thankfully short - procedure. They ask you to wait laying down for around 5 minutes after because the procedure and pain can make you pass out. :( I was given a couple antibiotic pills to take, and told to come back on Thursday to see if the HCG level is going down. The doxy (anti-b) is making me nauseous. I am tired and feel empty.

Salt in the wound

Yellow bird in the grass about 5 ft from where we were trimming yesterday

My previous beta was 1300. My last beta was 1700. Yes... it went UP. :( UGH!!!

Dr. Sunshine called me to discuss the situation and said that there must be some placental tissue remaining, which is causing my body to continue to think it's pregnant. He said he was surprised and it's not common. I laughed sadly and said "I'm not surprised at all!" to which he conceded, "yes, you have experienced some 1% situations"...

He wants to bring me in for some procedure which essentially disturbs the lining and encourages things to (continue to) miscarry. If that doesn't work, then he said he would try methotrexate, a drug used to induce miscarriage or abortion. Depending on how our schedules work, I will go in today or tomorrow for the procedure.

Like the title says, this feels like salt in the wound. I can't truly feel like we have moved through this emotionally when I haven't gotten through it physically. It feels extra unfair and mean. And it makes me sad to think my body just can't give up the dream so to speak. At this point, I just want this all to be over, to be behind us, so we can actually move on and not feel we are in this shitty ironic limbo of being "pregnant".

Blog post share

My cousin Rebecca sent me this a couple days ago. I finally read it last night, and I started sobbing reading it. It was a good cry, and I felt so much better this morning. It is sad and beautiful and so well written. I can relate to so much of it, even though as Rebecca pointed out it is not exact (thank God, actually).

I think my favorite part of the post, although it was hard to choose, was this line regarding her husband:

"...your lost baby, your lost daydreams, and he gets so profoundly sad, as sad as you’ve ever seen him, and you know that somehow, even though this is the most painful moment you’ve ever shared with him, that you are really, actually indivisible, because your sadness is a shared sadness that is so deep it could consume you both, but instead, your love begins to pour into the hole, filling it from the bottom up."

...
Rebecca's comments on the post in her email to me, about crying and pouring out the grief in order to let the light in reminded me of lyrics I've loved for years... years and years, in fact.

Ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering...
there's a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in.

~ Leonard Cohen

http://gimmebliss.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-i-healed-after-my-miscarriage.html

Just an update

The trip to San Diego was overall good. The drive itself was sucky - we couldn't get out of town until afternoon on a friday, which meant we hit multiple accidents and traffic jams into L.A. alone. We had two stops to make, including one to drop off the Auto Magic van at a mechanic, and then shortly after one of the pugs peed on our suitcase in the backseat. Awesome. Got that all cleaned up and luckily it didn't leak through, and we finally got to Del Mar after about 4 or 5 hrs of driving. The pet friendly hotel was under construction and we got lost trying to find our room, but eventually got that figured out and checked us all in. We had reservations at a local beachfront restaurant thanks to our new client, which required that we leave the dogs in the room. We left them each with a sweet potato chip and quietly tiptoed around the corner and then spied on them through the windows and listened outside the door. Once we were satisfied that they were not howling (which they are known to do!) we hurried over to the restaurant for dinner, which was delicious. I had been having the flu like symptoms and stomach ickyness but was able to enjoy an excellent glass of viogner with a "mojito" prepared fish called turbot. (pronounced turbo)- the fish was extremely light and un-fishy, and was served with lime and mint, coconut rice and a side of carrots. The location was right on the water and we were able to watch the waves and busy Friday evening crowd before heading back to make sure our pups were behaving (which they were). We brought dessert back with us -- creme brulee and pomegranate mousse tarte.

Me and my chins with a young new client and his owner


After a terrible night sleep and my car battery being dead, we were able to get a jump from a hotel guest and head over to meet the client. I was a little nervous pulling in, but as soon as I met her my nerves quickly melted away... she was so nice and down to earth, and we seemed to be on the same page with regards to the horse's feet, their movement, diet, etc. It was a really pleasant experience overall. We got both horses trimmed and fit them for boots and pads, watched them move, talked alot, and then ended up being invited to lunch before heading back home. Lunch was delicious and we talked HOOVES the entire time, which is a favorite topic of ours, and so nice to have someone so well known and respected in her sport be so involved and knowledgable. I am hopeful and excited with how her horses are doing so far according to updates.



We drove back to L.A. and met our friend/fellow trimmer Jennifer and another mutual friend for dinner. (by now the dogs were pooped and were quiet sleeping in the car while we ate, but I still ran out to check on them as soon as I could) By the time we actually got HOME, I was deliriously tired.

The next day was my 40th birthday. I got a massage in the morning, then we went to visit the horses. That night we had our friends Stephanie, Nick and Randy over for a glass of wine before heading to dinner. The wine we opened was a 12 year old syrah from Artiste winery that I had actually bought years ago while wine tasting for a friend's bachelorette weekend (in which we stayed at an inn, went wine tasting and brought our horses and took lessons each day -- soooo fun). Somehow this bottle survived over a decade in this high wine consumption rate house, and we were not sure if it would be vinegar considering our less than ideal storage. Luckily it was not vinegar, and in fact was amazingly good. The much younger zinfandel we had at dinner was also excellent. I felt like the good wine did me some good, as I felt totally fine the next day (aka no awful flu feelings like before).

The artist that painted the image on this 12 year old bottle of Artiste syrah lost his father at a young age. He painted a series of paintings depicting what he imagined his father would have been like could he have lived his full life. I thought it was appropriate to open the bottle on a milestone birthday such as this, and enjoy it and not wait any longer.

I ordered this wine with dinner based on the name -- and was surprised by the beautiful hummingbird image on the front. Plus, it was yummy.

two 40 year olds!!

Last Thursday we went to my mom's for a birthday dinner and gifts, and got to meet her super cute new puppy, Lilo. I am really glad she has another dog in her life to love and care for - and be loved and cared for back.

Lilo and I. She is tinier than she looks in this pic.

My most recent follow up beta (that's $400 in betas in case anyone is counting) was 1,000, which the nurse said was slow but obviously going down. I am supposed to be going back in weekly but I am pushing it out a few extra days because I don't need to go any more broke for this. So I will go back some time the end of this week probably.

Emotionally we have both been struggling. Due to taking time off of work, we have a really busy couple of weeks - we are currently a few days in to a 16 day straight schedule. In some ways this is a blessing, to be able to just concentrate on working and not think too much... but we do end up talking about "it" all the time. They are not easy conversations, and we haven't been having an easy time of it.

My age - at 40 years old I am considered both advanced maternal age and high risk, my diagnosis - DOR or diminished ovarian reserve, coupled with no tubes, means IVF is the ONLY option (frustratingly a lot of people seem to forget that) and with only a roughly 17% chance per cycle, and our financial reality (100% out of pocket/no fertility coverage and a completely depleted savings) feels like a triple threat with a rapidly, if not already closed, door. It is taking the time it will take for us to move through all of the emotions related to this - because it wasn't just a failed cycle, a negative, or a loss.

But... we have each other, and we will be OK.

a week later

Bailey & Linx, supporting each other

(and me, as I recovered surrounded by my furry family yet again)

Mario and I realized with surprise today that it has been one week since we got the news. It feels in some ways like it was a month ago. I still have physical reminders for certain, and today I literally felt like I had the worst hangover - headache, stomach issues, eyeballs hurt, dizzy, queasy, etc. After spending the morning thinking "what the fresh hell is this?" I realized that ... duh... my body has just done a crazy 180. I went from pregnant with all the hormones that naturally entails plus injecting and patching estrogen and progesterone supplements, almost zero caffeine, zero alcohol, huge amounts (!) of fluids a day, very healthy eating, diligently taking my prenatals, etc... to not pregnant, with three powerful drugs in my system (misoprostol, vicodin and xanax), caffeine, wine, far less fluids, lax about my vitamins, no supplemental hormones, crappy diet, working, etc. I think my body just said to me today *eff off*!! I felt really bad for it after that realization, but at the same time I am trying to be kind to myself and realize I was just coping the best I could. I am not having any wine tonite and drank about a gallon of water. I will make sure to take my vitamins as well. I don't mean to punish my poor body any more than it already is. Sigh...



It felt good to get back to work and feel that I was accomplishing something. I had several clients ask me how I was feeling (back to the summer illness) and I suspect that is because I looked like shit and maybe was acting a little different than usual.



I was very, very bitter in the beginning of the week. I have never been that bitter before. But it was there and very real for a few days before subsiding a bit. I slept really badly and have woken up at least once a night too hot and soaking wet. I am sure that's the hormones fluctuating. We went in to the office for the first post-m/c beta. It was really hard to be there because it immediately brought back memories of the shock and sadness of our ultrasound. The nurse taking my blood cheerfully asked if we had a great weekend (it was the day after the Super Bowl), and seemed really taken back when I quickly said "no, it was horrible". Then she seemed to remember what our situation was and said she understood... When we were waiting in the hallway to be checked out, we saw Dr. Sunshine. He had called us the night of the u/s just to check on me and I thought that was so kind... In the hallway he asked how we were doing and said when it was all over, we would get together to talk about it all. While paying the $80 for my beta (that's almost $350 in betas alone so far), the receptionist smiled at us and wished us good luck. I almost cried right then... Ughhh, it's not that kind of beta! :( When they called later to tell me that it had gone down slower than the doctor would have liked, I had to just kind of snort with amusement. What else would they expect from me? I haven't responded to date the way they "would have liked"! Anyway, it went from over 3k to about 2k. They asked me to come back in another week and re-draw to make sure it was continuing to decline. Dr. Sunshine said to expect it to take approx 3 weeks or so. A night or so after that beta I had a really bad night where the cramping didn't abate with the vicodin and I couldn't sleep even after a xanax at around 2am. I am hoping that my numbers were going down during all of that!



If there is a silver lining to all of this, the main thing I would say it is would be that I feel that Mario and I have grown even closer. He has been so incredible through all of this - from going to every appointment with me, giving me 99% of my shots, cheering, caring for and supporting me, trimming for me and handling talking to clients when I can't, etc... to grieving with me, being so sweet and understanding of every tide of emotion. I am so, so grateful, words really cannot express it. I love you Mario!



I've also been touched by the outreach we've gotten from friends and family who know what went on. I got emails from a couple of amazing, wise women who have been through similar pain. Their experiences and depth of kindness and sharing was so welcome - because although you would never wish something like this on anyone, it feels infinitely better knowing you are not alone. We got a totally unexpected gift box in the mail today from one of the only 2 clients we had told we were trying to have a baby. Mario saw her the day after the m/c and they basically only exchanged coded words... but she knew. She included the sweetest card plus gluten free snacks for Mario and a bottle of wine for us both. I've gotten check-in texts throughout the week from friends and family members that made us feel supported and loved. I guess it is like when I was sick over the summer -- I never expected to have such loving support, and it feels like a deep breath of fresh air.... where you didn't even know how much you needed it, and how welcome it was and how grateful you are to have it.



I know some people are wondering what our next steps are, and the answer is that we don't know. We are taking this a day at a time as best we can, and my only fertility related goal right now is to get the beta down to "non-pregnant" status. We will meet with Dr. Sunshine when the time comes and see what he thinks. The infertile internet world calls the meeting with your RE after a failed IVF cycle a "WTF". (yes, it stands for what you think it does) So we will have our WTF at some point in the next month is my guess, and then we will figure things out based on whatever information we get at that time.



In totally other news... I got a request to go to San Diego to trim a Grand Prix dressage horse who is owned by a very well known dressage rider. She is married to a U.S. dressage olympian. Her email came right at the time I needed a change of scenery, and the opportunity is just huge. There are no barefoot international dressage caliber horses. We had taken the weekend off because it is my 40th birthday on Sunday, so we even had the time to get away already scheduled in... She has come across as so kind and sincere, it's helping my intimidation factor. I have to remember that the horse is still a horse, and his feet are like so many of the other feet I've trimmed. We are bringing the 2 pugs and driving down tomorrow (after a crazy running around day). She even made reservations for us at a beachside restaurant for my birthday. How nice is that?? We will trim her horse on Saturday and then drive back at some point that day... My fingers are crossed that it all goes well!

waiting and worrying and other shitty stuff

Yesterday was horrible. Mario went and got us breakfast and made sure I took a vicodin and a xanax an hour before I was supposed to take the misoprostol to begin the 'miscarriage'. But it is a medical abortion, in all reality, and it feels pretty effing horrible to knowingly dose yourself with it. The only thing that was of cold comfort was knowing that whatever little embryo was in there to start this pregnancy, has been long since gone.

Those first two drugs are a powerful combo, and I was really woozy, but when it came time to start taking the 4 pills, I was sobbing. I left the bathroom and basically fell into Mario's arms, and then he got me comfortable on the bed to wait and see how things would go. A mere 15 minutes later, the cramping had started. Within an hour it was pretty bad, and around 2+ hours I would spend some time in the bathroom... then when I would try to leave I would feel queasy and dizzy - so I layed down on the floor. It is like when you're so ridiculously drunk that it actually feels quite comfortable on the tile floor. I rested my head on a towel and layed my robe over me. Mario insisted I bring my phone with me in the bathroom in case I needed him (because I made him swear he would not sit outside the door... I am very private about stuff like this?) Eventually he would send me a text "it's been a 1/2 hour, are you ok???" and I would get up and go back to bed. I think I did that a couple more times. More xanax and more vicodin and more cramps, but I was so out of it and was able to sleep on and off throughout the entire day and all night.

This morning I woke up wishing it was all just a terrible nightmare, but the dizzyness remained and I still had that horrible self pitying emotion clinging on tightly. Mario had to go trim, which made me feel worse, my schedule is really stressing me out and I felt so bad that he had to go work!

Finally, to add icing to this shit cake... add to the wory and waiting, I don't think I actually miscarried. I have a call in to Dr. Sunshine to see if I need to take another dose, because despite all of the cramping, and the paperworks admonition of "there is NO PATTERN to the bleeding"... I don't think I really passed anything much to mean it "worked".

Hey so I'm curious. What was my lesson in all of this?

Ultrasound results

There is no baby.

Depending on today's bloodwork, I will either 'miscarry' naturally, or will need to take medication to get the process going.

Even though life and alot of reading has taught me that infertility is cruel and heartbreaking and unfair, I am still stunned by how much this hurts. My heart is utterly broken.