a week later

Bailey & Linx, supporting each other

(and me, as I recovered surrounded by my furry family yet again)

Mario and I realized with surprise today that it has been one week since we got the news. It feels in some ways like it was a month ago. I still have physical reminders for certain, and today I literally felt like I had the worst hangover - headache, stomach issues, eyeballs hurt, dizzy, queasy, etc. After spending the morning thinking "what the fresh hell is this?" I realized that ... duh... my body has just done a crazy 180. I went from pregnant with all the hormones that naturally entails plus injecting and patching estrogen and progesterone supplements, almost zero caffeine, zero alcohol, huge amounts (!) of fluids a day, very healthy eating, diligently taking my prenatals, etc... to not pregnant, with three powerful drugs in my system (misoprostol, vicodin and xanax), caffeine, wine, far less fluids, lax about my vitamins, no supplemental hormones, crappy diet, working, etc. I think my body just said to me today *eff off*!! I felt really bad for it after that realization, but at the same time I am trying to be kind to myself and realize I was just coping the best I could. I am not having any wine tonite and drank about a gallon of water. I will make sure to take my vitamins as well. I don't mean to punish my poor body any more than it already is. Sigh...



It felt good to get back to work and feel that I was accomplishing something. I had several clients ask me how I was feeling (back to the summer illness) and I suspect that is because I looked like shit and maybe was acting a little different than usual.



I was very, very bitter in the beginning of the week. I have never been that bitter before. But it was there and very real for a few days before subsiding a bit. I slept really badly and have woken up at least once a night too hot and soaking wet. I am sure that's the hormones fluctuating. We went in to the office for the first post-m/c beta. It was really hard to be there because it immediately brought back memories of the shock and sadness of our ultrasound. The nurse taking my blood cheerfully asked if we had a great weekend (it was the day after the Super Bowl), and seemed really taken back when I quickly said "no, it was horrible". Then she seemed to remember what our situation was and said she understood... When we were waiting in the hallway to be checked out, we saw Dr. Sunshine. He had called us the night of the u/s just to check on me and I thought that was so kind... In the hallway he asked how we were doing and said when it was all over, we would get together to talk about it all. While paying the $80 for my beta (that's almost $350 in betas alone so far), the receptionist smiled at us and wished us good luck. I almost cried right then... Ughhh, it's not that kind of beta! :( When they called later to tell me that it had gone down slower than the doctor would have liked, I had to just kind of snort with amusement. What else would they expect from me? I haven't responded to date the way they "would have liked"! Anyway, it went from over 3k to about 2k. They asked me to come back in another week and re-draw to make sure it was continuing to decline. Dr. Sunshine said to expect it to take approx 3 weeks or so. A night or so after that beta I had a really bad night where the cramping didn't abate with the vicodin and I couldn't sleep even after a xanax at around 2am. I am hoping that my numbers were going down during all of that!



If there is a silver lining to all of this, the main thing I would say it is would be that I feel that Mario and I have grown even closer. He has been so incredible through all of this - from going to every appointment with me, giving me 99% of my shots, cheering, caring for and supporting me, trimming for me and handling talking to clients when I can't, etc... to grieving with me, being so sweet and understanding of every tide of emotion. I am so, so grateful, words really cannot express it. I love you Mario!



I've also been touched by the outreach we've gotten from friends and family who know what went on. I got emails from a couple of amazing, wise women who have been through similar pain. Their experiences and depth of kindness and sharing was so welcome - because although you would never wish something like this on anyone, it feels infinitely better knowing you are not alone. We got a totally unexpected gift box in the mail today from one of the only 2 clients we had told we were trying to have a baby. Mario saw her the day after the m/c and they basically only exchanged coded words... but she knew. She included the sweetest card plus gluten free snacks for Mario and a bottle of wine for us both. I've gotten check-in texts throughout the week from friends and family members that made us feel supported and loved. I guess it is like when I was sick over the summer -- I never expected to have such loving support, and it feels like a deep breath of fresh air.... where you didn't even know how much you needed it, and how welcome it was and how grateful you are to have it.



I know some people are wondering what our next steps are, and the answer is that we don't know. We are taking this a day at a time as best we can, and my only fertility related goal right now is to get the beta down to "non-pregnant" status. We will meet with Dr. Sunshine when the time comes and see what he thinks. The infertile internet world calls the meeting with your RE after a failed IVF cycle a "WTF". (yes, it stands for what you think it does) So we will have our WTF at some point in the next month is my guess, and then we will figure things out based on whatever information we get at that time.



In totally other news... I got a request to go to San Diego to trim a Grand Prix dressage horse who is owned by a very well known dressage rider. She is married to a U.S. dressage olympian. Her email came right at the time I needed a change of scenery, and the opportunity is just huge. There are no barefoot international dressage caliber horses. We had taken the weekend off because it is my 40th birthday on Sunday, so we even had the time to get away already scheduled in... She has come across as so kind and sincere, it's helping my intimidation factor. I have to remember that the horse is still a horse, and his feet are like so many of the other feet I've trimmed. We are bringing the 2 pugs and driving down tomorrow (after a crazy running around day). She even made reservations for us at a beachside restaurant for my birthday. How nice is that?? We will trim her horse on Saturday and then drive back at some point that day... My fingers are crossed that it all goes well!