waiting and worrying and other shitty stuff

Yesterday was horrible. Mario went and got us breakfast and made sure I took a vicodin and a xanax an hour before I was supposed to take the misoprostol to begin the 'miscarriage'. But it is a medical abortion, in all reality, and it feels pretty effing horrible to knowingly dose yourself with it. The only thing that was of cold comfort was knowing that whatever little embryo was in there to start this pregnancy, has been long since gone.

Those first two drugs are a powerful combo, and I was really woozy, but when it came time to start taking the 4 pills, I was sobbing. I left the bathroom and basically fell into Mario's arms, and then he got me comfortable on the bed to wait and see how things would go. A mere 15 minutes later, the cramping had started. Within an hour it was pretty bad, and around 2+ hours I would spend some time in the bathroom... then when I would try to leave I would feel queasy and dizzy - so I layed down on the floor. It is like when you're so ridiculously drunk that it actually feels quite comfortable on the tile floor. I rested my head on a towel and layed my robe over me. Mario insisted I bring my phone with me in the bathroom in case I needed him (because I made him swear he would not sit outside the door... I am very private about stuff like this?) Eventually he would send me a text "it's been a 1/2 hour, are you ok???" and I would get up and go back to bed. I think I did that a couple more times. More xanax and more vicodin and more cramps, but I was so out of it and was able to sleep on and off throughout the entire day and all night.

This morning I woke up wishing it was all just a terrible nightmare, but the dizzyness remained and I still had that horrible self pitying emotion clinging on tightly. Mario had to go trim, which made me feel worse, my schedule is really stressing me out and I felt so bad that he had to go work!

Finally, to add icing to this shit cake... add to the wory and waiting, I don't think I actually miscarried. I have a call in to Dr. Sunshine to see if I need to take another dose, because despite all of the cramping, and the paperworks admonition of "there is NO PATTERN to the bleeding"... I don't think I really passed anything much to mean it "worked".

Hey so I'm curious. What was my lesson in all of this?