540!

Our orange tree nearly died from some kind of bug and has been making a slow comeback for the last year or so. There is one orange on the whole tree at the moment... I think it's so pretty, that little round orange globe hanging on the tree like an ornament!

Yesterday (Friday) I called Dr. Sunshine's office because we had run out of progesterone shot needles. I wanted to know if we could pick them up locally, but they said why don't you just come down and get some needles and your beta draw as well... It worked out well since we had the day off, so off we went!

While there, the nurse said they would like to see my number come in around 150 or higher. We ran some errands and went home to await the call... but when it came in it was a little confusing. The first thing the nurse said was "Your number came back at 540!" I said "Holy crap!!" and she agreed. I was ecstatic. But then she implied there might be a problem and that Dr. Sunshine wanted to talk to me. I asked how it could be a bad thing, and she said "well, just hold your questions for the doctor..." and put me on hold. Mario came running over to the table where I was sitting and we put the phone on speaker.

Dr. Sunshine came on and said that it was very rare to have an initial beta so low as 7.5 not drop off to nothing in a short period of time. The fact that my numbers were doubling every 24 hours was a really good thing, except.... he was concerned it could be ectopic. An ectopic is a pregnancy where the embryo has implanted somewhere other than the uterus, with 98% of those being in the fallopian tubes. Since I don't have tubes, I really had not considered this a risk for me at all, and in fact felt like it was a relief that I uniquely had! (a silver lining of having no tubes) But Dr. Sunshine said I still had 'stumps' remaining (ew) where the tubes had been, and there was a chance that is where the implantation had ocurred. He did say it would be rare and he had not personally seen it, but it could happen, and he also cautioned that he was not certain the pregnancy was viable and that I should not tell people yet. Ugh... too late for that! I told him I couldn't believe that we had somehow gone from not pregnant enough to too pregnant! He sort of seemed to me to be more cautious than usual, and in retrospect I can only imagine it is because I haven't responded as expected to anything all along. From the IUI to OHSS to thinking I had endo to the surgery, tube removal, no endo, poor response to stims, worse response to the increased/different stims the 2nd time, dropping estrogen when it should be rising, really low numbers post transfer, really low initial beta to double fast doubling... ahhhh!

He said the best thing we can do at this point is come in for an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is in my uterus where it belongs. That is scheduled for Feb. 2nd. I will be considered 6 weeks pregnant at that point.

After the phone call Mario was really scared. I was - well, I hope it wasn't just freaked out denial, but I felt pretty confident that it's ok. That my baby is where it belongs, in my ute!! And in all honesty, there is nothing I can do at this point. I am working on choosing to say "today I am pregnant, and I love my baby". That was advice from an internet board friend and I thought it was beautiful. :) My baby is supposedly somewhere between the size of a poppyseed and appleseed right now.

It's amazing to me how such a little thing can be causing all of these changes in my body. I am crazy thirsty and craving orange juice. I don't really want sweet things, more salty... Mario says I have a heightened sense of smell. My boobs are ridiculous. lol I'm tired but then when I wake up to go to the bathroom at night, I cannot go back to sleep. I was never a napper before, but I just might become a napper! I get little dizzy spells sometimes, hot flashes, and fullness/crampy sometimes too.

Mario has been so good to me, bringing me drinks and making yummy meals and sending me sweet notes. Between him and my family, I feel so blessed...

We did a Skype with the Bressani's and Mario - finally - opened his Christmas present from them. It was a Diaper Dude! We had gotten one for them when they were expecting a few years ago, it's basically a manly diaper bag. :) They picked up the tradition and got one for Dave & Kim and Jeromy & Stephanie. Mario's was grey with pin striping - he loves it. Thank you again you brave, believer Bressanis!!!!

So that's my update. Today I am pregnant. I love my baby.

:)

71!

I am jumping to the end first, for anyone wondering what's going on! After an excrutiating day of waiting after beta draw #2 at about 10:30am, I finally got the call around 3:30pm... my number was 71!! That meant my number was doubling every 27 hours or so!!

After hanging up I jumped up from the chair and Mario and I hugged and cried a little bit, and we kind of stared at each other and hugged some more. We aren't free and clear yet, I have to go back again for a 3rd beta on Saturday, but for the time being this feels like such a huge positive; I think we got our fatty I was asking for! :)

Sweet (yet sturdy and weighty, it's metal!) little yellow bird that my mom gave me yesterday... along with my first honest to God positive pregnancy test that I took last night. I seriously could not believe my eyes when it came up on the screen. I don't think Mario could either! We both kept looking at it... like it was going to go away or change.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to go to the bathroom, and then couldn't fall asleep again. I just kept thinking about everything, and wondering and praying and testing my own intuition ... it felt like I had finally fallen asleep when it was time to wake up. But even during my wondering, I felt pretty good about today. Today, even through the anxiety of the wait, I allowed myself for the first time to feel confident that it was going to be a good result. When we went to the barn, I saw our little bird friend in the tree by our corral... and it made me feel even better!

So now what? I am supposed to just keep doing the E2 patches and the P4 shots, and I guess keep growing this little baby?!!?? Oh my God!!!!

Little skinny positive

Little yellow bird in a tree at the barn on Saturday...

Just wanted to update so you guys aren't in the crazy making wait with me too much!

Until this morning there was 4 negative pee tests. This morning there was a very faint positive!! It was very faint, as you can see, but I am celebrating the baby steps so to speak. :)

No idea why it won't align it horizontally, I've re-loaded it a handful of times. Sorry about that!!

I have one test stick left at this point, and beta #2 is tomorrow.

(oh to explain the title of the post... on the internet a positive pregnancy test, for someone trying, is called a BFP ... a big, fat, positive. Since mine is less definitive, I am calling it a LSP... a little skinny positive. Hoping we get a fatty soon! :-p)

The game went into over time

So it's not over, it's not time to cry nor time for consolation wine... but it's too early to pop the champagne (err... sparkling apple cider). We basically got an unexpected ride around the roller coaster one more time!

I started the day by peeing on a stick at 4:21am, and it was the lovely "not pregnant" again. Mario got us breakfast and we talked, and I cried, because I got myself so sad that our embies had probably died. Aghhh... and also because I felt so lost when I thought of the possibility that all of my signs meant nothing... that they could all be wrong or just silly nothings I had put emotion and meaning behind. And I barely told you guys a fraction of all the many little things we counted as signs!! One of the actually funny ones was my iPhone's magic 8 ball app. Every time I asked it if I was pregnant, it came up with some kind of yes answer. It never wavered! And I had no idea there were so many versions of yes... "Outlook good", "you can count on it", "absolutely yes", etc. Last night I asked it again and it said some variation on yes. So feeling somewhat cynical, I then asked, "is the universe f-ing with me?" and it said "try again later". This morning after the 3rd negative pee test, I asked it again if the universe was f-ing with me, and it said, "Signs point to yes". I burst out laughing! Seriously - the universe DOES have a sense of humor. So I am crying/laughing with Mario and reach for a tissue out of the new box I just bought, which has water color owls on each side. Mario picks up the box to try to read what it says because there's text behind the owls, and I notice that one of the owls is yellow. WTF! I mean seriously... it's pretty funny isn't it?

So we go to the appointment and the nurse tries to tell me that home tests are not as sensitive and that's why they do blood work after all... I tell her I know that, trying to be hopeful still but somehow not get my heart broken. She says this is pretty much not possible. Good point.

On the way home from the dr's office I see a big 18 wheeler truck with a rearing pegasus on it. The image triggers a memory from the animal communication I did on Sunday. (I need to update on that, I had the woman 'talk' to Hope) The last thing the communicator told me was that she saw Hope grow these huge angel wings, and envelope me in a huge hug!!!!!!!!! OMG, I completely cried at the feeling and thought of that. Seeing the image made me think it was a sign from Hope... :')

So we go to work in Ojai, and just about an hour later I get a call from Dr. Sunshine's office... The nurse tells me that it DID come back positive, but that it was only 7.5. A test of 5 or less is considered "not pregnant". I barely squeaked by!! BUT holy crap... I squeaked by! As I was on the phone, the client had come up and was talking to Mario. I couldn't believe the timing and was willing her to go away so I could tell him the news. We exchanged eyeball glances but how do you convey what had just happened in googly eyeballs??? Finally she went to go get her other horse and I told him the situation... The nurse was very... I guess, grim, again, on the phone (even though it was a different nurse). She said implantation HAD occurred, but it was such a low number that it was very tenuously positive. They normally have you come back in 2 days, but she said it would be 4 for me. I don't go back until Tuesday!

Mario and I went straight to CVS after trimming and bought something like 6 more HPTs. I will probably test twice a day to see if I can get a positive on a pee test... that would mean my numbers are going up... I've read most early testing sticks will read as low as around 20 HCG, so that explains why my sticks could not pick up my 7.5! You want your beta numbers to double every 48 hours or so... so I might be able to get a positive on one of them in the next couple days???

C'monnnnn little embie... please be a sticky bun in this oven!!!!

Rough couple of days

On Sunday morning, I dug out an old home pregnancy test I had in the back corner of the cabinet. I have a brand new box of 2, but I had plans for those. I knew 7 days past transfer was early, but I wanted to just see. I just couldn't help myself -- if it was negative, I thought, I could just pass it off like it was too early and not really be any worse for the wear. If it was positive, I could celebrate! It was negative. This made me worried, and the whole blow it off as too early thing didn't really pan out the way I thought it would. I, instead, obsessed.

The next big blow came on Monday when I had my 8 day blood work. I wasn't sure what to expect to be honest, but certainly it was NOT what happened. My E2 (estrogen) was only 34, and my P4 (progesterone) was only 16. I knew the E2 was shockingly low since it was even less than after 10+ days on the damn birth control pills. I didn't know what P4 was supposed to be, and the nurse said they like it to be 30 or above. She said, "You are using the Vivelle patches, right...?" and then said, slightly incredulously "...and you're doing the progesterone shots??". Imagine if I wasn't??? My numbers would be unreadable. She said the doctor wanted my shot increased another 1/2 ml, and to add a 3rd patch, and that they would see me on Friday. She sounded so grim. I felt so grim.

I hit an immediate meltdown point about 5 minutes after getting off the phone with the nurse and telling Mario, and cried for about 15 minutes straight. Then I suddenly felt a lift and regrouped. I can't explain it, it was just how it happened. I Googled and re-Googled to make sure I understood what was happening. I posted to my friends on an internet bulletin board for women going through the same thing. I asked the nurse if I could use the prometrium suppositories I had left over from our IUI, in addition to the PIO shots, and she basically said, "yeah, why not", with that same grim attitude.

Oh and did I mention I had re-injured my back? It added a really painful element to the whole thing. We had to cancel our huge trimming day and reschedule an already tight schedule. Mario tried to make me feel better and we went to the 1 mile park with the dogs. Even though I was hobbling around like I had a stick up my ass (from the pain in my back), it made me smile to see the pugs grinning faces as they ran loose from one side of the field to the next. Then we went to the barn (normally re-boots me every time I feel icky!), and I hit another downward spiral. All through the last year of all of the fertility stuff, being sick, surgery, IUIs, IVFs and trying to work in between, my horses have taken a major back seat in my life. The paddock was a mess, Jordan's cataract eye was all goopy and crusty, his black coat was red from dirt and bleaching, Faith and Jordan both just looked messy and out of shape. And to take the cake, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. DOING stuff makes me feel better. It makes me feel in control of certain aspects of life. And here I was barely able to dump their supplement buckets for them. I had to lay flat on my back on the feed bin every 10 minutes or so to stop the spasms. Mario dutifully cleaned the paddock for me and wrangled the pugs to make sure no one got stepped on. I wanted to hose Jordan's white socks off, brush out his tail, turn Faith in the round pen and work her ...tidy by stuff... something. But I couldn't do anything. I felt completely despondent.

Normally with my back in that shape I would be popping Advil, getting a massage, icing it, maybe sitting in the jacuzzi with a glass or 3 of wine... none of which I can do for conception reasons. If I can't work, I like to clean up around the house, ride, run errands... nope, can't do any of that either.

Then, I tested again this morning, 10 days past transfer, 12 days past "ovulation" (retrieval). It was the original date Mario and I had agreed that I would test. We had all these reasons and signs of why it was a good idea to test today, but apparently they were all b.s. because once again, it was negative. And this time it was a fancy digital that actually says, in print, "not pregnant". Ugh, thanks! I went back to the bedroom, where it was still dark, and Mario and I stayed up for around an hour talking, commiserating, consoling... before we realized it was only 2:30am and said we should go back to sleep!! Oops, I thought it was 4:30am at least.

It's been a little interesting to experience my reactions to the last couple of days. I really run the gamut of emotions at near breakneck speeds. I can be crying (what can I blame that on if my hormones are so damn low??), then laughing, then feel helpless and hopeless, then hopeful for a miracle, then sad, then planning for a million different scenarios. I guess that's just how I am processing...

I was able to work today and keep distracted, my back felt better and I must have applied 3/4 of a tube of NatraBio's arnica rub throughout the day. I felt so much better to at least feel productive!

Current plan is to take each day one at a time. So for now it is take my shot tonight, take my prenatal, go to bed early because we are exausted from a really long day of trimming. Tomorrow I'll trim and do the same most likely as tonight. Friday morning I will test using the last digital stick, and then go get the beta. Plans for Friday night vary quite a bit. ;-)

So, there ya have it. The roller coaster just won't quit. I feel that I am at the part where my eyes close from the shake and wind and noise of the machine, and I feel nauseous.

Signs...

Yesterday I made a quick trip to the grocery store. As I was cutting through the card aisle on my way to the refrigerated area, I felt like I should look at the cards... I am always on the lookout for a sign ... some indication on the direction things are going. When every moment is spent wondering and every little twinge or twang makes you wonder, I gotta tell you, even the tiniest sign is greeted with huge relief and huge welcome! So I glance over at the boxes of thank you cards, thinking that would be the place I might see something... I continue slowly walking, can't help but feel silly looking for a sign from the heavens, under the fluorescent lights of the aisles of Ralph's! As I am about to turn my head away and redirect my energy towards fat free sour cream, my eyes fall on the image below...

I literally laughed out loud when I realized -- well, yes, that's a yellow bird!!! I think the universe has a sense of humor. Or I am now completely batshit crazy. Or both! ;-P

I finish my shopping and walk outside to be greeted by a really gorgeous early evening. It's the cusp of dusk and evening, I love this time of day!! The sky is a beautiful blue fading into the pale yellow of the sunset, a couple of stars are out, and the air smelled so good... a mixture of fresh air and cooking food from the handful of local restaurants. I took a deep breath as I wheeled the cart to the car, and I couldn't help but say a little prayer "Please God, let this have worked". I literally had no sooner said this prayer in my mind, when my eyes fell on the license plate frame in the car I am passing by in the lot. It said, "Our God is an awesome God"! It was made ever more meaningful by a phone call I had gotten from my Aunt Elaine telling me one of her favorite quotes from the bible, about nothing being too wonderful for God. I really liked the hope and positivity, the abundance, in that sentiment...

I started to cry ... I do that a lot these days, I would say it's pretty much a daily occurence that I blame on the estrogen patches and progesterone shots. :) I said another little prayer, this time of gratitude, before driving home.

Today we went into Dr. Sunshine's office to get more patches (donated back to the office by a woman who just had a succesful CVS (like an amniocentisis), which I take as another good sign!) and another bottle of that lovely progesterone. The butt shots are going ok - they don't hurt going in hardly at all, but the bruisy feeling in my rump is starting to build up a little bit. It's ok though, I know it's important with my luteal phase defect, and it's for a good cause!

Hey now, I could get used to this...

Bailey, Logan and I, chilling on the day of my transfer

Staying at home and relaxing is good stuff.


Linx being a jungle kitteh

I did my nails. I watched The Last Unicorn (loved the book by Peter S. Beagle), then watched Amelie. That's one happy movie. I snuggled with furry kitties and squishy pugs. Mario brought me salads, juice, pasta and even valium. He gave me my PIO shots and did a beautiful job. He even did one of my guided meditations with me. I think he fell asleep, but that's ok! I said I was going to do the laundry so he brought the bags into the laundry room so I didn't lift anything. He trimmed 7 (challenging) horses today all alone. I watched Parenthood, Crazy Stupid Love and The Change Up. It was gorgeous out today, and I walked around in the garden (fancier lady of leisure term for "backyard") and enjoyed the birds, butterflies, blue skies and flowers. While enjoying a small flock of phoebe's that had taken to our climbing roses, who came along for a visit but my little yellow friend!!! I cried of course. I sat on a rock by the fountain and enjoyed looking at the blooming purple sage and white lily of the valley. I picked an avocado, and I ate one in my vegetarian chili, sitting at my new dining room table, with the window wide open.

Climbing beautiful roses on the side yard that have just started blooming (they think it's spring :))

Our lily of the valley

Later, my mom came by for a quick visit, and we had some tea and talked a little bit and she tried to show me my birthday gift without me remembering. Hm... wonder how we will make that work. ;)

Glowing Kim a day or so before her baby made his appearance

Then I get the news that my cousin Kim has had her baby boy!! It was a c-section, I haven't gotten much more news or even his name, but I am sooooo happy for her and her husband Dave! Whahoooo! A new Pesce ~ welcome to the world, little man!

all aboard!!

Our 4 embies! The 2 in the same pic together are the bestof the bunch!

Today was transfer day and it went great. :)

We were brought into a whole new room for the transfer, which had nice recessed lighting and a little window to the embryologists room so they can pass them through to the doc when the time is right. I was really excited and almost giddy, and they had me take a valium to help relax me and also the smooth muscle fibers of the uterus. They said to relax or even sleep for the next 1/2 hour while it took effect... but a 1/2 hr later and I was just as excited and amped up as before. I was feeling wide awake and chatting with Mario. They suggested another valium. ;-) I started to feel more relaxed after that, laying back on the table I envisioned myself on a beach in Hawaii with my toes in the sand. The embroylogist came in and said that Mini Me and Mini You defrosted perfectly, and were added to Meeni and Mynie from the most recent fresh cycle.

One of the nurses came in and did an ultrasound to confirm my bladder was full (helps them see the uterus more clearly) and to ensure my lining looked good. Yep - that big glass of apple juice did the trick and my lining was "perfect".

These were on the table by the bed and I thought it was so cute. Different fertility images to look at - the closest stone was an amethyst (my birth stone) that had the word "fertility" carved into it. :)

Then it all started happening quickly - Dr. Sunshine came in, the other nurse came in (then it was crowded in there with Mario and I, the dr and 2 nurses! The room was dark as they did the ultrasound guided catheter and then we could actually see on the monitor the small amount of fluid that contained the embroyos be gently placed. They sent the catheter back to the embrologist to make sure no embies were left behind in it (they are microscopic) and I was given the all clear. Dr. Sunshine slid me back up on the table so I didn't use my stomach muscles at all, and then they all wished us good luck, covered me with a soft blanket, and left us to relax for around 25 minutes before the ole wheelchair ride to the car.

My ultrasound! The lighter little squiggle inside the pink heart is the fluid that contains the embies!! That dark blob with the whiter outline above it is my bladder :-P And the area below it and all around the heart is my uterus.

We came home and I got settled in bed and listened to my meditation... imagining my little embie(s) implanting and being welcomed home. :) They say actual implantation occurs between 18-24 hours typically, although there are some that implant late for whatever reason.

Mario stayed with me for an hour or so but just had to leave and go trim a little bit. I am resting and may even take a nap. The nurse told me to take my remaining valium over the next 24 hours or so to help me stay relaxed and mellow. She also had a little pep talk with me to stay super positive, no stress, avoid negativity, etc. I fully intend to do just that! I also have my favorite candle lit in the room, it's called Dune Grass by Yankee Candle. Totally relaxing... ahh.


Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers, I really feel the love and we so appreciate the support!! xo

2 more embies!

First thing this morning at 8am Dr. Sunshine called with the news that the 2 bigger eggs were both mature and fertilized! The smaller one was "dysmorphic" and did not fertilize, and although I am disappointed I can't say I am surprised. Assuming Mini Me and Mini You defrost well, we will be transferring all 4 embies on Sunday!! I am so excited. :-)

I went with Mario trimming today but didn't do any, just talked to the clients and tried to make myself useful scratching/distracting the horses. It was a nice day overall, I felt fine and hopefully Mario didn't feel too tired doing the trims all by himself...

The right side of my butt, where I got the shot yesterday, was sore all day! And already had a bump. Made me very nervous for my shot tonite... (progesterone in oil). Mario gave it to me tonite and then I massaged it for a few minutes and then put the heating pad on it the way the nurse told us to. It actually feels better right now than the right side from yesterday. I realized the nurse must have put it in my old hematoma/scar tissue area from when I came off Jordan before my surgery this summer. :( It probably didn't dissipate well due to that and is just going to add to my existing lumpiness there.

When we got home from work there was a bag on the front step from our friends Stephanie and Nick, and inside was homemade bread (banana I think!) and 2 b-day gift certs to a spa for Mario and I!!! Suh-weet!! I can't wait to go. I want to go now. ;) If you guys are reading this, thank you soooo much again :) we love it ~

Everything went well today at the egg retrieval. :) Nothing to eat or drink after midnight last night, took a shower this morning but no lotions, perfumes, scented creams, etc. because they can apparently harm the fragile eggs.

I had the same anesthesiologist as last time and the same nurse as well, so things progessed quickly ... change into the robe and slippers, sign some forms, get hooked up to the IVs. Then a nice happy mellow feeling came over me and I had a harder time following our conversation. ;) I was told to slide down on the table, and just like last time that was the last thing I remember. I imagine it must be pretty funny -- I am there talking normally and then it's lights out! I woke up and before my eyes were open I was asking how it went and how many eggs they got. The answer was 3! Hey - a bonus egg! They said it wasn't mature but that might happen over night. The other 2 looked good, with one slightly ahead of the other. The 2 mature would be ICSI'd (where they actually take a 'perfect' sperm and inject it into the egg to fertilize it) and the one would be given a chance to mature and fertilize naturally.

After waking up a teeny bit, Mario came in the room and I had some juice and crackers and the nurses gave us instructions on our next steps. Thankfully Mario was in the room because I am not sure I was altogether 'there' yet. ;) We very briefly talked to Dr. Sunshine to confirm we had no questions, and then they wheeled me out to the car to go home. We got some breakfast, my favorite part of this process aside from today's drugs, and I've been relaxing doing not much of anything. It's funny because I feel with it in the moment, but then when I try to remember what I did or what I was talking about, it's kind of like it was a dream I am trying to remember.


My guided meditation CD has a new part to listen to today, tomorrow and Saturday. It's called "Rest and rejuvination, from retrieval to transfer". I'll definitely listen to it tonight!


So our next steps - I am allowed to go back to work but am not supposed to be doing any heavy lifting or things like that. Apparently most women doing IVF don't trim horse feet for a living? :-P Today they gave me my first progesterone shot (in mah butt) while I was knocked out, but tomorrow Mario gets to give me the first at-home shot. This one is different than all the others because it is IM (intra muscular) rather than sub-Q like the belly shots for the stims and trigger. And if I get pregnant we will be doing this shot for something like the first 10 weeks. Yeesh. Starting tomorrow I will also be doing an estrogen patch, which is put on my stomach and changed every other day. I think that continues on for awhile also.. one of the things I forgot during my wooziness I guess.

We will be transfering all of the embies back into me on Sunday. Mini me and Mini you will be defrosted the day of transfer and are included in the group.

The prayer flags that I used for today's blog image were custom made for me by my cousin Rebecca (her shop is Cazmira, on Etsy, and Blogger won't let me link to it right now but I will figure it out!). They were made before my whole illness and losing my tubes over the summer. I almost took them down when I thought that we had reached absolute infertility, and even though it made me sad to see them, it made me more sad to put them away. I had so much hope when they were being made for us, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I am glad I didn't. I love them, and I love that they were made for us by the caring hands of our beloved family. And since Rebecca has a freaking adorable baby boy, I like to think she worked some fertility and baby mojo into the fabric and artwork as well!

Mario took a silly picture of me today standing like the fertility image with my arms in a circle over over my head. Rebecca worked the vines with little peas in pods into that flag, and also if you look closely there is a little bird. :) You know what color it would be!!

I am adding the pictures below of the table for those that wanted to see what the new light fixture (it's called a 'tiffany island light') looks like, and also the glass and slate tiles on the top of the table. So far we're really happy with it!

Rebecca suggested a small cocktail table and that is totally what we were thinking also. Although the space there is really small so we have to find the right size that would work. Mario wants a small table by the couch so we are thinking maybe we combine them so it can do double duty?







If you look closely, there is one finial on the end of the curtain rod that is shaped like a pineapple. :) (the other one has to be installed, they didn't come with the right hardware)

Ok, time for a couple of tylenol and maybe a nap.
I love you guys, thank you so much for all the support!

rollercoastah

Faith enjoying a scratchy roll

This morning we found out that our friends Sean and Jules and their baby won't be coming to see us after all. So bummed out!! They are flight attendants, and spent 12 hours in the airport with a 2 month old yesterday, trying to get on a flight from Miami to CA. Everything was overbooked, and paying passengers were getting bumped from one flight to the next... making their situation even more difficult. In the end they had to call it and go home, with no trip west. Boo :(


But since our schedule was already wonky and too tight, we regrouped and figured it would be ok and might take a little pressure off us even though we were so looking forward to seeing them. (and I was supposed to get some baby mojo from them! ;-)) We went in to see Dr. Sunshine again this morning, and walah --- my 16 turned into a 23 overnight! The other egg was not far behind... we trigger tonite! The egg retrieval is on Thursday morning, which the office confirmed is their first one of 2012! We decided that was good luck.


Drove back south to get to work on our totally blown up trimming schedule (I have NO IDEA what women with regular jobs do when they are doing IVF. obviously their bosses need to be in the know and super understanding?). Then I got a call from the nurse that my E2 (estrogen) had dropped. Ughhhhhhhhhhh. My heart just sank. This is what happened last cycle... She said the doctor had called for a re-test and I should call him to discuss the situation. Last time that meant we were partially cancelled. I called him and he said he wasn't sure what was going on, why it was happening, but would call me with the results of the bloodwork in a couple hours. Luckily, in some ways, I was at a client's and was able to focus on her horse's royally screwed up feet rather than obsessing over my situation.


When he called back he said that although it is not typical, he thinks the smaller and receeding follicles have stopped making estrogen and that is why the E2 number went down. It was still around 350 which is about right for the 2 larger follies... Strangely this info made me feel better, because it at least makes sense to me. The shock of hearing it went down when it should be going up was really hard to wrap my mind around! He also said that under different circumstances, he would cancel the cycle altogether (not even go to ER). But considering my past cycle, my 2 frozen embryos, my lack of tubes, my age, the $$ spent already, the 60 shots I've already done, my good lining and finally the fact that my progesterone has not started going up yet... that we would go ahead and retrieve the 2 eggs and hope for the best. PHEW!!!


Tonite I take my last shots of Follistim and microdose HCG, and the trigger shot in about an hour. Tomorrow I am shot-free for a day, and then I go in on Thursday morning for my retrieval. The transfer will be either Sunday or Tuesday...


Here's goes somethin'!

I needed that!

Sunrise in Malibu




A couple of days ago I started doing my shots myself, when Mario thought he was coming down with something and went to bed early one night. I decided I should just do it already, I am a big girl now after all! It went so well I actually surprised myself. So I did them the next morning when Mario had to leave really early in the morning, and again it went well. I had a monitoring appointment on NYE morning, and the RE saw 5 follicles, but one was slightly leading the charge at a 15 with the next closest around 12. He prescribed a new med to add to the list, which helps slow things down so the follicles grow more slowly and around the same size. So that was 6 shots a day... 2 in the morning, and 4 at night.



NYE we layed low, after the doctor's appt, electrocution appt (aka acupuncture with electrical stimulation) and trimming all day. Mario picked up salads from CPK, and we ended up watching Saturday Night Fever and the festivities in NYC. I had a glass of champagne with my RE's ok! We made it til 11:15, and then woke up again at midnight with all the fireworks going off. :)



Just when I thought I was getting the hang of things with this whole IVF thing, doin' my own shots and all, last night I had a weird reaction after shooting up. I was 3 in, only 1 to go, when I suddenly felt extremely queasy, broke out in a full hot sweat (like a hot flash on steroids) and felt dizzy. I had to go sit down in the bathroom with the window open on me, and eventually was able to get up and sip some water. Mario was freaked out, and even when I felt better after whatever it was seemed to have passed, he didn't want me to take my final shot for the night. We called the RE on call (10:30 at night) and he said it was highly unlikely that it was an allergic reaction due to my having been on the shots already for several cycles. He said to go ahead and do the final shot, which Mario did for me and I felt ok. This morning's shots went fine too. So weird...



Dr. Moonshine this morning said it was probably the microdose HCG I am taking - saying that HCG is part of what causes nausea in pregnant women. He also said it is basically just a lot of hormones and my body may have just said 'enough for now, thanks!' He put extra needles in my ears and forehead today, which was new, to help me chill out a bit. I was pretty wound up when I got there this morning...



Dr. Sunshine was back from vacation today and did my monitoring. Not sure what happened there, but my 5+ follies turned into 2. :( There are several smaller ones lingering on both sides, but they probably will not be mature at trigger, and my left side fell back asleep again like last time. The 2 on that side were only a 9 and 10, with the ones on the right being 15 and 16. Dr. Sunshine wants me back in there tomorrow, as my estrogen was in the mid 600s, and it looks like we are approaching the trigger soon. Looks like ER (egg retrieval) will be on Friday or Saturday. Since another day or two of stimming was added to the schedule, we had to drive to Northridge to pick up another $500 worth of meds. (which made us realize that the 1,500 we spent on meds this cycle was less than 1/2 of what we were donated by Dr. Sunshine and his nurses!!) Sobering thought that one shot is $200-$300. This fertility shit ain't for sissies! Either financially, emotionally or physically!



So I am feeling sad for myself on the way home and Mario and I are discussing the situation... the whole thing, the different aspects and emotions that go with it. Like how my age and being out of pocket really up the ante and increase the stakes. I was spending some time wrapping my mind around it all, how I went from "if it happens it happens" to completely scheduling my life and every last cent of savings around trying to make it happen! We talked about how we would feel if Dr. Sunshine cancels us again, and would we go through a whole other fresh cycle. The thought of doing the BCPs, the shots, paying for whatever meds weren't donated, the acupuncture, re-scheduling my trims, driving to the two doctors every day... it all just felt completely overwhelming and depressing. I was sitting at a light at a freeway off ramp, when a little flicker of something to my left caught my eye. I glanced over, and there it was again -- nearly blending in with the leaves of a rose bush on the divider, was a little... yellow... bird.



I can't tell you the feeling of gratitude that washed over me at that moment! I so needed that bright ray of hope, right at that moment! I teared up, and said a little prayer... thank you!