Rough couple of days

On Sunday morning, I dug out an old home pregnancy test I had in the back corner of the cabinet. I have a brand new box of 2, but I had plans for those. I knew 7 days past transfer was early, but I wanted to just see. I just couldn't help myself -- if it was negative, I thought, I could just pass it off like it was too early and not really be any worse for the wear. If it was positive, I could celebrate! It was negative. This made me worried, and the whole blow it off as too early thing didn't really pan out the way I thought it would. I, instead, obsessed.

The next big blow came on Monday when I had my 8 day blood work. I wasn't sure what to expect to be honest, but certainly it was NOT what happened. My E2 (estrogen) was only 34, and my P4 (progesterone) was only 16. I knew the E2 was shockingly low since it was even less than after 10+ days on the damn birth control pills. I didn't know what P4 was supposed to be, and the nurse said they like it to be 30 or above. She said, "You are using the Vivelle patches, right...?" and then said, slightly incredulously "...and you're doing the progesterone shots??". Imagine if I wasn't??? My numbers would be unreadable. She said the doctor wanted my shot increased another 1/2 ml, and to add a 3rd patch, and that they would see me on Friday. She sounded so grim. I felt so grim.

I hit an immediate meltdown point about 5 minutes after getting off the phone with the nurse and telling Mario, and cried for about 15 minutes straight. Then I suddenly felt a lift and regrouped. I can't explain it, it was just how it happened. I Googled and re-Googled to make sure I understood what was happening. I posted to my friends on an internet bulletin board for women going through the same thing. I asked the nurse if I could use the prometrium suppositories I had left over from our IUI, in addition to the PIO shots, and she basically said, "yeah, why not", with that same grim attitude.

Oh and did I mention I had re-injured my back? It added a really painful element to the whole thing. We had to cancel our huge trimming day and reschedule an already tight schedule. Mario tried to make me feel better and we went to the 1 mile park with the dogs. Even though I was hobbling around like I had a stick up my ass (from the pain in my back), it made me smile to see the pugs grinning faces as they ran loose from one side of the field to the next. Then we went to the barn (normally re-boots me every time I feel icky!), and I hit another downward spiral. All through the last year of all of the fertility stuff, being sick, surgery, IUIs, IVFs and trying to work in between, my horses have taken a major back seat in my life. The paddock was a mess, Jordan's cataract eye was all goopy and crusty, his black coat was red from dirt and bleaching, Faith and Jordan both just looked messy and out of shape. And to take the cake, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. DOING stuff makes me feel better. It makes me feel in control of certain aspects of life. And here I was barely able to dump their supplement buckets for them. I had to lay flat on my back on the feed bin every 10 minutes or so to stop the spasms. Mario dutifully cleaned the paddock for me and wrangled the pugs to make sure no one got stepped on. I wanted to hose Jordan's white socks off, brush out his tail, turn Faith in the round pen and work her ...tidy by stuff... something. But I couldn't do anything. I felt completely despondent.

Normally with my back in that shape I would be popping Advil, getting a massage, icing it, maybe sitting in the jacuzzi with a glass or 3 of wine... none of which I can do for conception reasons. If I can't work, I like to clean up around the house, ride, run errands... nope, can't do any of that either.

Then, I tested again this morning, 10 days past transfer, 12 days past "ovulation" (retrieval). It was the original date Mario and I had agreed that I would test. We had all these reasons and signs of why it was a good idea to test today, but apparently they were all b.s. because once again, it was negative. And this time it was a fancy digital that actually says, in print, "not pregnant". Ugh, thanks! I went back to the bedroom, where it was still dark, and Mario and I stayed up for around an hour talking, commiserating, consoling... before we realized it was only 2:30am and said we should go back to sleep!! Oops, I thought it was 4:30am at least.

It's been a little interesting to experience my reactions to the last couple of days. I really run the gamut of emotions at near breakneck speeds. I can be crying (what can I blame that on if my hormones are so damn low??), then laughing, then feel helpless and hopeless, then hopeful for a miracle, then sad, then planning for a million different scenarios. I guess that's just how I am processing...

I was able to work today and keep distracted, my back felt better and I must have applied 3/4 of a tube of NatraBio's arnica rub throughout the day. I felt so much better to at least feel productive!

Current plan is to take each day one at a time. So for now it is take my shot tonight, take my prenatal, go to bed early because we are exausted from a really long day of trimming. Tomorrow I'll trim and do the same most likely as tonight. Friday morning I will test using the last digital stick, and then go get the beta. Plans for Friday night vary quite a bit. ;-)

So, there ya have it. The roller coaster just won't quit. I feel that I am at the part where my eyes close from the shake and wind and noise of the machine, and I feel nauseous.